I never planned to become an English teacher, but I’ve grown to love the surreal English conversation. To give you a flavour of what I mean, here are some favourites from my classes:

I’m Fine Thank You

To have a good English conversation, it’s important to meet cultural expectations. For example, if you go to the UK and don’t use “please” and “thank you” then you’ll appear rude and arrogant. Sounds straightforward? Well, not in China.

Me: How are you?

Student: I’m fine.

Me: THANK YOU!!!

Student: You’re welcome.

Me: I meant you should have said: “I’m fine thank you.”

Student: Yes?

Me: Yes, so say it.

Student: It!

Me: No, not “it!” When I ask how you are, say “I’m fine” and then add “thank you.”

Student: I understand.

Me: Good. Let’s try again. Hello, how are you?

Student: I’m fine add thank you.

Me: No, no, no! Say “I’m fine.”

Student: I’m fine.

Me: Now say “thank you.”

Student: Thank you.

Me: Excellent! Now let’s put it all together. How are you?

Student: I’m fine.

Me: THANK YOU!!!

Student: You’re welcome.

A Beautiful Name

Most Chinese students have an alternative English name, often chosen by their English teacher. I had a class where the students were called things like “Whiteboard,” “Pencil,” and “Desk.” I guess their teacher was feeling uncreative. Other students choose their own name. I once had a huge disagreement with a girl because she’d called herself “Fascist.” The teenager in the following English conversation also chose her own name.

Me: What’s your name?

Her: Beauty.

Me: English people might find that a bit strange.

Her: Do you think I’m not beautiful?

Me: I didn’t say that.

Her: Do you think I look like a boy?

Me: What? No. But calling yourself “Beauty” is odd. It’s kind of like calling yourself “Sexy.”

Her: Do you think I’m sexy?

Me: We’re getting off topic here. Let’s think of a new name for you together.

Her: My new name is “Sexy.”

Me: That’s worse than “Beauty!”

Her: You don’t think I’m sexy?

Me: I’m not answering that.

Her: My new name is “Sexy.”

Me: I’ve changed my mind. “Beauty” is a great name for you.

Her: Now I don’t like the name “Beauty”, because you said it’s strange.

Me: Well, I’m not calling you “Sexy.” It’s too weird. If I want you to answer a question I’ll have to say: “What do you think, Sexy?” And I’m not going to do that. Think of a new name.

Her: OK, I’ve thought of one. And I really love it!

Me: Great. What is it?

Her: My new name is “Sexy Beauty.”

No Dark Sarcasm in the Classroom

The way you say something can have a huge effect on the meaning, particularly in Britain where sarcasm is a national sport. That’s what I wanted to teach the following girl, who came to class utterly miserable.

Me: Hello. How are you?

Her: Wonderful, thank you.

Me: I know I asked you to use alternatives to “fine,” but if you say you’re wonderful, you need to look like you feel wonderful.

Her: Why?

Me: Because if you say you’re “wonderful” when you look miserable then people will think you’re being sarcastic.

Her: What’s being sarcastic?

Me: It’s saying the opposite of what you mean to make people laugh.

Her: That doesn’t sound very funny.

Me: Next time you say you’re wonderful, just make sure you look happy. OK?

Her: This is so stupid!

Me: Why?

Her: This is supposed to be English conversation class! Not acting class!

I Don’t Want to be an English Teacher

During an English conversation with a student, I’m often baffled by their logic:

Me: Why do you want to be an English teacher when you’re older?

Her: I don’t want to be an English teacher when I’m older.

Me: So, what do you want to be?

Her: Oh anything, but not an English teacher.

Me: If you don’t want to be an English teacher then why are you studying to be an English teacher?

Her: Just to make sure I definitely don’t want to be an English teacher.

Me: Wouldn’t it be better to think of something you do want to be and study that instead?

Her: I already know what I want to be.

Me: What’s that?

Her: I just told you. Anything. But not an English teacher.

*First published in Milk & Honey (České Budějovice, Czech Republic)