One of the most surprising things about living in China were the conversations I had with Chinese people — some of which were so weird you’d be forgiven for thinking I made them up. But all of these conversations happened and, if you don’t believe me, head to China yourself — you’ll soon see what I mean.

A very personal question

A man stared at me from across the street, then approached with an uneven stride. 

Him: Can I ask you a very personal question?

Me: Yes, but I might not answer it.

Him: Thank you.

He cleared his throat.

Him: What is your favourite vegetable?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: What is your favourite vegetable?

Me: Vegetable?

Him: Yes.

Me: I’ve never really thought about it.

Him: Do you like potato?

Me: Yes?

Him: So potato is your favourite vegetable?

Me: Umm … I don’t know. Yes?

He grinned as if this was the right answer.

Me: And you? What is your favourite vegetable?

Him: Me? Oh. I don’t care for vegetables.

Chinese insurance 101

My boss was driving too fast. A blurry pedestrian appeared through the fog. We missed him, but only just. 

Boss: Don’t worry about that man, he doesn’t matter.

Me: What do you mean?

Boss: I pay 600 yuan a year for insurance. If I kill him he will get 600,000 yuan.

Me: That won’t be much use to him if he’s dead.

Boss: Yes, it’s better not to kill him.

Me: I agree.

Boss: Because if I kill him, next year the insurance will be more than 600 yuan.

Celebrating alone

Unlike the others on the tour boat, this woman had a serious expression on her face.

Her: Do you know what day it is today?

Me: No.

Her: It’s singles day.

Me: What’s that?

Her: It’s a special day for single people.

Me: What happens on singles day?

Her: Single people celebrate by eating special food.

Me: Who do they eat it with?

Her: Sometimes with friends, but usually on their own.

Me: That doesn’t sound like much of a celebration.

Her: Who do you expect me to eat with! I don’t have a partner!

What’s in a name?

The university student wore a leather jacket and sat with his back against the classroom wall. 

Me: What’s your name?

Him: November.

Me: That’s an interesting name, why did you choose it?

Him: My birthday is in November, so I use my birthday to remember my name.

Me: You mean you use your name to remember your birthday?

Him: No, I remember my birthday first.

Me: What? Every time?

Him: Yes.

Me: So when I say “Hello November,” you think: “November, that’s my birthday,” then you think, “Oh, that’s also my name.”

Him: Yes.

Me: Why don’t you use your name to remember your birthday?

Him: What would my name be then?

Me: It would still be November.

Him: Hmm, I’ve already learned this once. When you say November I know my birthday is in November and then I know my name is November. Why do I need to learn it again?

Me: To make things easier.

Him: Your way is not easy. I’ll have to learn how to remember my name again.

Me: How do you remember your Chinese name?

Him: I just know it.

Me: Exactly, snd wouldn’t it be easier if you just knew your English name?

Him: You could be right.

Me: I think so.

Him: But then how will I remember my birthday?

The Chinese abroad

Men huddled over a pot of sizzling meat, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. My boss nudged the man next to him.

Boss: This man loves foreign women. A few years ago he went to Europe to meet some.He only knew two English sentences — so all the women he spoke to hated him.

Me: Which two sentences did he know?

Boss: “How old are you? How much are you?”

The secret to being a great tour guide

Like all the students in the class, the smiling girl in the front row was studying to be an English tour guide.

Me: Let’s list the qualities required to be a good tour guide. What shall we put first?

Her: Money.

Me: What?

Her: Tour guide. Good job. Good money.

Me: No, I mean what qualities do you need?

Her: Chinese people like free trip.

Me: What?

Her: Tour guide. Get free trip. Good job.

Me: You’re confused. Let’s try it the other way around. What can we put under bad qualities?

Her: Raining.

Me: What?

Her: Raining. Tour guide. Get wet.

Me: Yeah, that’s not really what I’m getting at. Let me re-phrase the question. To be a good English tour guide, what do you need?

Her: An umbrella.

The Chinese diet

The train was packed with snoring people. The man opposite me woke up — and instantly began to talk.

Him: Hello, I’m a lawyer for a yeast company.

Me: Oh, ok. That’s interesting.

Him: Do you have any questions about it?

Me: Umm… Is yeast popular in China?

Him: Yes. Many Chinese people drink yeast with water for breakfast. It is good for losing weight because it fills you up for the rest of the day.

Me: Would you drink yeast for breakfast?

Him: No, it is not healthy.

The teaching fraternity

An elderly Chinese woman sat down on the bus. Her mouth wrinkled into a smile when she noticed me.

Her: Hello, I am Jude.

Me: Hello Jude, I’m Tom. What do you do here?

Her: I’m an English teacher.

Me: Do you like it?

Her: I’m sorry, my English is not good, I can’t understand you.

An everyday role play

She always was first to respond in my “English for Tour Guides” class. When I asked for a volunteer, her hand instantly shot up.

Me: Right, so I’m a customer and I want to book a holiday. You’re a travel agent taking the call.
Her: OK!
Me: Ready?
Her: Yes!
Me: Ring-Ring. Ring-ring.

She picked up the imaginary phone.  

Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking. Give me money!
Me: OK, stop there. You have to offer to help before you ask for money.
Her: Understand!
Me: Good. Let’s start again. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

She picked up the imaginary phone.

Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: No problem. Give me money!
Me: No, no, no. You have to offer me a holiday first.
Her: Offer first?
Me: Yes, then talk about money.
Her: Understand!
Me: Good. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

She picked up the imaginary phone.

Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, how can I help you?
Me: I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: OK, I will give you holiday, you give me money!
Me: No! Listen, just don’t talk about money until the very end. OK?
Her: Understood!
Me: Ring-ring. Ring-Ring. 

She picked up the imaginary phone.

Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, how can I help you?
Me: I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: You visit Malaysia.
Me: Malaysia. That sounds interesting, what can I do there?
Her: You like hot! Malaysia is hot! You like Malaysia! Give me money!