I never planned to be an English teacher, but I’ve come to love the surreal conversations it brings. There’s a strange charm in how learners twist the language, creating moments of humor and insight. Here are some of my favourites:
I’m Fine Thank You
Good English conversation isn’t just about words — it’s about meeting cultural expectations. In the UK, skipping “please” and “thank you” can make you seem rude or arrogant. Simple enough, right? Well, not in China.
Me: How are you?
Student: I’m fine.
Me: THANK YOU!!!
Student: You’re welcome.
Me: I meant you should have said: “I’m fine thank you.”
Student: Yes?
Me: Yes, so say it.
Student: It!
Me: No, not “it!” When I ask how you are, say “I’m fine” and then add “thank you.”
Student: I understand.
Me: Good. Let’s try again. Hello, how are you?
Student: I’m fine add thank you.
Me: No, no, no! Say “I’m fine.”
Student: I’m fine.
Me: Now say “thank you.”
Student: Thank you.
Me: Excellent! Now let’s put it all together. How are you?
Student: I’m fine.
Me: THANK YOU!!!
Student: You’re welcome.
A Beautiful Name
Most Chinese students have an alternative English name, often given by their teacher. In one class, I taught students named “Whiteboard,” “Pencil,” and “Desk” — clearly, their teacher wasn’t feeling inspired.
Other students pick their own names, sometimes with surprising results. I once had a long debate with a girl who insisted on calling herself “Fascist.” The teenager in the following conversation also chose her own name.
Me: What’s your name?
Her: Beauty.
Me: English people might find that a bit strange.
Her: Do you think I’m not beautiful?
Me: I didn’t say that.
Her: Do you think I look like a boy?
Me: What? No. But calling yourself “Beauty” is odd. It’s kind of like calling yourself “Sexy.”
Her: Do you think I’m sexy?
Me: We’re getting off topic here. Let’s think of a new name for you together.
Her: My new name is “Sexy.”
Me: That’s worse than “Beauty!”
Her: You don’t think I’m sexy?
Me: I’m not answering that.
Her: My new name is “Sexy.”
Me: I’ve changed my mind. “Beauty” is a great name for you.
Her: Now I don’t like the name “Beauty”, because you said it’s strange.
Me: Well, I’m not calling you “Sexy.” It’s too weird. If I want you to answer a question I’ll have to say: “What do you think, Sexy?” And I’m not going to do that. Think of a new name.
Her: OK, I’ve thought of one. And I really love it!
Me: Great. What is it?
Her: My new name is “Sexy Beauty.”
No Dark Sarcasm in the Classroom
How you say something can change its meaning, especially in Britain, where sarcasm is practically a national sport. That’s what I aimed to teach the girl in the following story, who came to class looking utterly miserable.
Me: Hello. How are you?
Her: I’m absolutely wonderful, thank you.
Me: I know I asked you to use alternatives to “fine,” but if you say you’re wonderful, you need to look like you feel wonderful.
Her: Why?
Me: Because if you say you’re “wonderful” when you look miserable then people will think you’re being sarcastic.
Her: What’s being sarcastic?
Me: It’s saying the opposite of what you mean to make people laugh.
Her: That doesn’t sound very funny.
Me: Next time you say you’re wonderful, just make sure you look happy. OK?
Her: This is so stupid!
Me: Why?
Her: This is supposed to be English conversation class! Not acting class!
I Don’t Want to be an English Teacher
When talking with students, I often find myself confused by the way they think. Their logic can be so different from what I expect, making it an interesting challenge to understand their reasoning:
Me: Why do you want to be an English teacher when you’re older?
Her: I don’t want to be an English teacher when I’m older.
Me: So, what do you want to be?
Her: Oh anything, but not an English teacher.
Me: If you don’t want to be an English teacher then why are you in this classroom studying to be an English teacher?
Her: Just to make sure I definitely don’t want to be an English teacher.
Me: Wouldn’t it be better to think of something you do want to be and study that instead?
Her: I already know what I want to be.
Me: What’s that?
Her: I just told you. Anything. But not an English teacher.
*First published in Milk & Honey, České Budějovice
Funny. But deep too. I liked this one ,Tom.