When I moved to China, I assumed the main challenge would be language. Vocabulary, tones, grammar. What I hadn’t accounted for was conversational logic.
Again and again, I found myself in exchanges that seemed to obey rules I didn’t recognise. The sentences were clear enough. The structure was not. Questions drifted. Answers bypassed the question entirely. Motives surfaced early and without embarrassment.
None of the conversations below are invented. They simply followed a logic that was not mine.
A very personal question
A man stared at me from across the street, then approached with an uneven stride.
Him: Can I ask you a very personal question?
Me: Yes, but I might not answer it.
Him: Thank you.
He cleared his throat.
Him: What is your favourite vegetable?
Me: Excuse me?
Him: What is your favourite vegetable?
Me: Vegetable?
Him: Yes.
Me: I’ve never really thought about it.
Him: Do you like potato?
Me: Yes?
Him: So potato is your favourite vegetable?
Me: Umm … I don’t know. Yes?
He grinned as if this was the right answer.
Me: And you? What is your favourite vegetable?
Him: Me? Oh. I don’t care for vegetables.
Chinese insurance 101
My boss was driving too fast. A blurry pedestrian appeared through the fog. We missed him, but only just.
Boss: Don’t worry about that man, he doesn’t matter.
Me: What do you mean?
Boss: I pay 600 yuan a year for insurance. If I kill him he will get 600,000 yuan.
Me: That won’t be much use to him if he’s dead.
Boss: Yes, it’s better not to kill him.
Me: I agree.
Boss: Because if I kill him, next year the insurance will be more than 600 yuan.
Celebrating alone
Unlike the others on the tour boat, this woman had a serious expression on her face.
Her: Do you know what day it is today?
Me: No.
Her: It’s singles day.
Me: What’s that?
Her: It’s a special day for single people.
Me: What happens on singles day?
Her: Single people celebrate by eating special food.
Me: Who do they eat it with?
Her: Sometimes with friends, but usually on their own.
Me: That doesn’t sound like much of a celebration.
Her: Who do you expect me to eat with! I don’t have a partner!
What’s in a name?
The university student wore a leather jacket and sat with his back against the classroom wall.
Me: What’s your name?
Him: November.
Me: That’s an interesting name, why did you choose it?
Him: My birthday is in November, so I use my birthday to remember my name.
Me: You mean you use your name to remember your birthday?
Him: No, I remember my birthday first.
Me: What? Every time?
Him: Yes.
Me: So when I say “Hello November,” you think: “November, that’s my birthday,” then you think, “Oh, that’s also my name.”
Him: Yes.
Me: Why don’t you use your name to remember your birthday?
Him: What would my name be then?
Me: It would still be November.
Him: Hmm, I’ve already learned this once. When you say November I know my birthday is in November and then I know my name is November. Why do I need to learn it again?
Me: To make things easier.
Him: Your way is not easy. I’ll have to learn how to remember my name again.
Me: How do you remember your Chinese name?
Him: I just know it.
Me: Exactly, and wouldn’t it be easier if you just knew your English name?
Him: You could be right.
Me: I think so.
Him: But then how will I remember my birthday?
The Chinese abroad
Men huddled over a pot of sizzling meat, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. My boss nudged the man next to him.
Boss: This man loves foreign women. A few years ago he went to Europe to meet some.He only knew two English sentences — so all the women he spoke to hated him.
Me: Which two sentences did he know?
Boss: “How old are you? How much are you?”
The secret to being a great tour guide
Like all the students in the class, the smiling girl in the front row was studying to be an English tour guide.
Me: Let’s list the qualities required to be a good tour guide. What shall we put first?
Her: Money.
Me: What?
Her: Tour guide. Good job. Good money.
Me: No, I mean what qualities do you need?
Her: Chinese people like free trip.
Me: What?
Her: Tour guide. Get free trip. Good job.
Me: You’re confused. Let’s try it the other way around. What can we put under bad qualities?
Her: Raining.
Me: What?
Her: Raining. Tour guide. Get wet.
Me: Yeah, that’s not really what I’m getting at. Let me rephrase the question. To be a good English tour guide, what do you need?
Her: An umbrella.
The Chinese diet
The train was packed with snoring people. The man opposite me woke up — and instantly began to talk.
Him: Hello, I’m a lawyer for a yeast company.
Me: Oh, ok. That’s interesting.
Him: Do you have any questions about it?
Me: Umm… Is yeast popular in China?
Him: Yes. Many Chinese people drink yeast with water for breakfast. It is good for losing weight because it fills you up for the rest of the day.
Me: Would you drink yeast for breakfast?
Him: No, it is not healthy.
The teaching fraternity
An elderly Chinese woman sat down on the bus. Her mouth wrinkled into a smile when she noticed me.
Her: Hello, I am Jude.
Me: Hello Jude, I’m Tom. What do you do here?
Her: I’m an English teacher.
Me: Do you like it?
Her: I’m sorry, my English is not good, I can’t understand you.
An everyday role play
She always was first to respond in my “English for Tour Guides” class. When I asked for a volunteer, her hand instantly shot up.
Me: Right, so I’m a customer and I want to book a holiday. You’re a travel agent taking the call.
Her: OK!
Me: Ready?
Her: Yes!
Me: Ring-Ring. Ring-ring.
She picked up the imaginary phone.
Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking. Give me money!
Me: OK, stop there. You have to offer to help before you ask for money.
Her: Understand!
Me: Good. Let’s start again. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
She picked up the imaginary phone.
Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: No problem. Give me money!
Me: No, no, no. You have to offer me a holiday first.
Her: Offer first?
Me: Yes, then talk about money.
Her: Understand!
Me: Good. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
She picked up the imaginary phone.
Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, how can I help you?
Me: I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: OK, I will give you holiday, you give me money!
Me: No! Listen, just don’t talk about money until the very end. OK?
Her: Understood!
Me: Ring-ring. Ring-Ring.
She picked up the imaginary phone.
Her: Hello, International Tours, Sam speaking, how can I help you?
Me: I want to book a holiday. I’d like to go somewhere hot in August.
Her: You visit Malaysia.
Me: Malaysia. That sounds interesting, what can I do there?
Her: You like hot! Malaysia is hot! You like Malaysia! Give me money!